When someone dies, there’s a shared understanding of what comes next. People send cards. Friends check in. Work gives you time off. You’re allowed to be sad.
But what about the grief that arrives with no ceremony? The friendship that quietly faded. The marriage that ended. The children who’ve left home, the career you’ve retired from, or the future you were so sure you’d have.
If you’ve been carrying a loss like this and wondering why it hurts so much, you may be experiencing something called disenfranchised grief.
What is disenfranchised grief?
The term was coined by grief researcher Kenneth Doka. It describes grief that isn’t openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly mourned. Often, it’s the person grieving who doubts it most. You might hear an inner voice saying:
I should be over this by now. Other people have it worse. It was my choice, so why am I upset?
Some experiences that can lead to this kind of grief include:
• The end of a relationship or divorce, even when it was the right decision
• Losing a close friendship
• Children leaving home
• The changes of perimenopause and menopause
• Retirement or a change in career
• Letting go of a future you’d imagined for yourself
Why does it feel so hard?
Because it’s often invisible. When others don’t recognise your loss, it can feel lonely to grieve it. You may find yourself putting on a brave face, keeping busy, or telling yourself to just get on with things.
Grief that isn’t given space doesn’t tend to disappear. It can show up as anxiety, low mood, irritability, tiredness, or a vague feeling that you’ve lost your sense of self. Many people also notice it physically, as a heaviness in the chest, disrupted sleep, or an exhaustion that rest doesn’t seem to fix.
You’re allowed to grieve what isn’t a bereavement
Grief is a natural response to losing something that mattered, whether that’s a person, a role, a relationship or an identity. It doesn’t need to be justified, and it doesn’t have to be compared with anyone else’s.
You might even be grieving something you also feel relieved about. Both can be true at once.
What can help?
There’s no single right way to move through grief, but these can be gentle places to start:
• Name it. Simply saying “I’m grieving this” can ease some of the pressure.
• Be kind to your body. Rest, gentle movement, and warmth can all help when grief is weighing on you physically.
• Find someone who will listen without trying to fix it. That could be a trusted friend, a support group, or a counsellor.
• Let it unfold at its own pace. Grief rarely follows a straight line.
How counselling can help
Counselling offers a space where your loss doesn’t need explaining or justifying. In my person-centred approach, there’s no agenda and no “right” way to feel. We go at your pace, with space for whatever is most present for you.
If this post resonates, you’re welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation. It’s a chance to ask questions and see whether working together feels right. You don’t have to have the words ready.
